I have dealt with many types of loss. Since my first breath, I have dealt with loss. My own biological mother put me up for adoption pretty much the minute she found out that she was pregnant with me. You see, she was a crack-addicted prostitute who didn't know anything but the life of drugs and sex. She knowingly chose drugs over me. I would be lying if I said that this did not highly offend me. You've got to know that it’s bad when your own mother doesn't want you.
I grew up knowing that I was adopted, but it was years later that I began to understand exactly why and that was heartbreaking at first. When I reflect on her decision to put me up for adoption, the thought itself brings so many raw emotions as well as numerous unanswered questions. However, I am not her only child. In fact, there are at least eight of us. Although I have a huge gap in my heart that can never be filled because of her rejection, I am thankful to know that I’m not alone. Despite not being wanted by her, God blessed me with an incredible family from my third day in life.
My second loss happened when I was around three or four years of age. This was when my adopted father started having strokes from smoking. One of these strokes left him semi paralyzed as well as semi brain dead. As a four year old seeing your daddy go from picking you up from pre-k in his blue Chevy pick up truck to not being able to stand unsupervised was a totally different world. I didn't understand what was happening. I just knew that my daddy was sick. No only was his health declining, but he and my mom had separated beforehand, so I grew up without a fatherly figure until I was seven.
I don't remember daddy before he was sick, but I do remember him after the strokes. He was a very scary man. His behavior was very unpredictable and he could go from telling you that he loved you one minute to calling you a worthless piece of junk the next. Since I was so young, I didn't understand the reasoning behind his behavior, so I was obviously terrified of him. I consider this particular time in my life a loss because my dad wasn't around and I didn't want anything to do with him. Even though he wasn't physically "dead", he was very absent in many ways.
My dad's health continued to decline. As a matter of fact, I unknowingly was watching him die for thirteen years. I spent my teenage years preparing for his death emotionally. I had already lost him, just not physically. One of the ways that I prepared for his death was that I had to accept that he wasn't going to get better. This meant that he wasn't going to be there for my high school graduation, he wasn't going to escort me down the isle on my wedding day, and he wouldn't be there for my first child's birth. I had so much anger, sadness, bitterness, and disgust in my heart for him! Why couldn't he be normal like all of my friend’s dads! Why couldn't he throw a baseball with me, take me out to ice cream, or swing me up in the air like other dads did to their daughters! Instead, my dad was in a wheelchair, had to be constantly supervised, and was just a complete embarrassment. It took me almost two years of preparing to let go of the fact that he wasn't going to get better. That thought in itself was devastating.
I didn't have a good relationship with my dad until the last year and a half that he was alive. Who would want a relationship with someone who wasn't a big part of your life? My dad did more hurt than good in my life. Some of you may be asking yourself "well what changed to make you want to have a relationship with him?" The only explanation that I have for that question is that God changed my heart in an unexplainable way. I was finally able to let go of the fantasy and dream that he wasn't going to be the perfect dad and I was then able to accept him for who he was. Once I did that, God did amazing things in our relationship. I began having compassion for him instead of anger. We were able to laugh and joke around on the phone. I was finally able to tell him that I loved him and actually feel it! Then I received a phone call that would change everything.
"Katherine Anne, I'm not going to sugar coat this. It's the beginning of the end." When my sister said those words on the phone, I crumbled. I felt so helpless! My dad was dying. Not only was I across the United States, there was no way for me to come home. I remember falling to my knees in complete and utter despair and begging God not to take him away from me. I had just started having a relationship with him and now God was taking him away?!? I cannot even begin to tell you how angry I was at God!
In June of 2006, I was able to come home for good. I spent the last six months of my dad’s life by his bedside reminding him how much I loved him. On November 9, 2006, one my grandfather's passed away due to Alzheimer’s. Four days later, my dad passed away. I had just experienced two huge losses in four days. What was God doing! Was He just trying to make my life a living hell?
My depression became almost unbearable. I pretty much disowned God and did not want anything to do with him. Thanksgiving was right around the corner, and in my mind I had nothing to be thankful for. I got through Thanksgiving okay, but to say my heart was bitter would be an understatement. Then, once again, my world fell apart. As if losing two people was not enough, the day after Christmas, I lost my other grandfather. I could not bear it anymore! I had just lost three very important people in a matter of a six-week period. As a fifteen-year-old girl who had just gotten my life back together, I have never felt so unprepared.
People would always tell me that my grandfathers and my dad were in a better place and that all I had to do was lean on God and He would help me through. I didn't find that a bit comforting. I wanted them back! The last person I wanted to lean on let alone talk to was God. He had destroyed my family! It was always so hard because people would say that they were there for me, but when I would talk to them they not only didn't know what to say, some of them would avoid me. I hadn't felt so alone before.
I don't remember what caused my breaking point, but I eventually admitted that I couldn't continue to deal with the losses alone and turned to God. I was nervous that He wouldn't help me because I had abandoned Him, but He welcomed me back with open arms. Instantly, I felt at peace! I began having dreams of my dad and would wake up knowing that he was watching over me.
I didn’t experience another significant loss until April of 2010. On April 21,2010, I received a phone call from pretty much my second mom telling me that one of my friends had been killed in a car accident. I was extremely heart broken and very shocked. Even though I didn’t spend a lot of time with Rosa, my friend who was killed, I considered her a very special person in my life. For the longest time, it just didn’t seem real. It was completely out of the blue.
Even though I’ve had some losses in my short lifetime, I consider each one a blessing. They have made me stronger, wiser, and have taught me to love with out ceasing. I’ve definitely learned that life is precious and to not take things for granted. I pray that whoever is reading this will know how precious you are. God does not make mistakes and even though sometimes it may feel that way, He has a plan. I’m telling you from experiencing both sides. Even though we may not understand why God does the things He does, He really does have an amazing plan.. The hard part is waiting for answers. May God bless you abundantly.
Blessings,
Katherine
