In my Father's Eyes

    November has been one of the roughest months of my life for quite some time. Every year, without fail, the month of November brings out so many emotions in me. In fact, it's like my mind automatically chooses to shut off anything that makes me smile, laugh, or be happy. I always struggle to be thankful for all God has given me during this month. It's like Satan's favorite month to tear me to pieces.
   On November 13, 2006, my dad passed away.I literally felt my life crumble right in front of me. Six months earlier, I had just moved back to Georgia after spending two years at a therapeutic boarding school to get my life back together.I thought I was prepared to re enter the real world. Boy, was I wrong. I have never felt so unprepared for something before. I have have been through a lot in my short life, but there was just no way to prepare for losing my dad. If you've ever read any previous posts that I've written, I didn't have a very strong relationship with my dad until the very end of his life. As a fifteen year old, moving back in with my family after spending two years away from them was pretty hard on its own. Not to mention returning to the same school where I was asked to withdraw years earlier and everyone still remembering me as "that girl." I had a lot on my plate already. Then there was dad. Dad was a stroke victim who was semi paralyzed, had a bunch of brain damage, and had major mood swings.  He could be a very burdensome person to be around. In fact, most of my life, I saw it as a chore to go spend time with him. While at boarding school, however, God did some miraculous things in our relationship, and I began to love him and accept him for who he was. Once I did that and accepted that he wasn't going to live up to my expectations nor be who I wanted him to be, I became very close to him. I don't have many fond memories of my dad, but I do remember spending most of the last six months of his life by his bedside. I would bring my rabbit, Shady, along to keep us both company. He LOVED that rabbit! I remember one day coming into his room crying because of something that happened and him listening to me rant and at the end saying "did you know that I love you?" Gosh, I miss him. I miss everything about him. His contagious laugh, his baby blue eyes, his singing, his kiss, his voice... If I could just have one more day with him. I have such heart ache just writing this. I also realize that my dad wont be and hasn't been here for some very important events in my life. For instance, my wedding day. He won't be here for the birth of my children, when I graduate from college, he wasn't here for my high school gradution.. I could go on, but it is pointless. That's not going to change the fact that he is gone. Still, six years later, I find it hard to cope with his passing. I just pray that I can leave half the legacy like he did. Rest in peace, dad, your daughter misses you more than words could ever say!

In Memory of Ron Blackstock

Miracles? Who believes in miracles?

The past two weeks, if anything, the Lord has taught me His power. I have witnessed many things in my lifetime but none like this. I am going to be telling you a story that I have been witnessing for the last two weeks. So here it goes.

   On September 11, 2012, I was hanging out with some buddies after rugby practice when one of my really good friends (who will remain anonymous) got a devastating phone call from her family. This phone call would change her life forever. I remember sitting in the back of my buddy’s car and feeling the most helpless I’ve ever felt before. This young college student’s mom uttered silently into the phone, "He's gone." She had just lost her little brother due to suicide. In fact, she had left to come back to school after he had promised to call her in the morning. That phone call wouldn't be happening the way she had thought. I felt her world crumble right before her eyes. My friend parked her car and came to sit in the back of the car with us as the sister wailed and broke into pieces. "I literally felt my heart break in two", she said recalling the event. "I don't know how long we sat there in all reality, but it felt so good to be in the company of friends while I was hurting," she replied. I, personally, haven't cried that hard since my dad passed away six years ago. I was so heartbroken over the situation, as were my friends. She spent most of the night with us and also spent a lot of time talking on the phone with her best friend. Like I said earlier, I have never felt so helpless and unprepared. My friends walked her back to her dorm very late that night and she went to sleep. The next morning, she woke up to three missed phone calls and two text messages saying that after he had been pronounced dead, thirty minutes later his heart started to beat again. No one knew how to explain how that was possible, but we were floored! He had been put on life support since his heart started beating. Two days went by before she received a phone call. This call wasn't from her family, but was from the doctors stating that her brother had been declared brain dead and her parent's had left the hospital. They asked her what they should do with him since there was zero brain activity (as in pull the plug or not) because she was the next contact person. She was very distraught over the situation and told the doctors she would need some time to think about her decision. She crumbled as soon as she hung up. We all agreed that she shouldn't have to make a huge choice like this and asked if she wanted us to pray for an answer. A few minutes later, the doctor called back, and my friend went out into the hallway. My other friend, Ashley followed her and listened as she basically told the doctors that they were not to flip the switch because she was confident that God was going to do a miracle. The doctors seemed to be very puzzled over her choice and tried to reason with her. During this phone conversation, our friend Ashley was present and the sister turned to her and said "God just told me that my brother is going to wake up in five minutes." She returned back to her phone conversation and asked if the doctor would hold the phone to her brother’s ear. She repeated to him that he was to wake up in five minutes and that she expected a phone call from him. "I remember just feeling so at peace and that I couldn't stop smiling," she said. Within five minutes, she was pacing the stairway. Then the phone rang. Instantly, she was speaking to her brother and began to collapse. Our friend, Tina, caught her. "He was alive and asking about how I was doing and acting like nothing had ever happened!" "All I could do is laugh as everyone else's jaw was dropped," she said. We immediately gathered in our friend’s dorm room and began to pray. The Spirit was definitely present. I have never seen someone so happy and heard someone laugh so much in my entire life. This girl was so filled with the Holy Spirit! 

All this to say, I know there is a God because I have witnessed Him first hand. I hope this gives someone hope because I know that it did for me. If you haven't experienced God first hand, I hope someday that you will be able to. 

May God bless you abundantly,

Godschild

Pondering

           For the last two years or so, I have really been struggling in identifying what my major should be in college. In the past four years, I have gone from studying Surgical Technology, to Centrile sterile Technology, to Intercultural Studies, and to now Psychology with a minor in Counseling. I do not think that I have been this confused in a really long time! However, through all of these major changes, I have learned two things in particular... patience and how to keep an open mind. I am the kind of person who wants to do many things. I never knew that I could make so many changes in such a short period of time, but God knew and had already planned it that way before I even entered this world. When I think about how God has already planned my entire life out, many emotions come to mind such as; fear, curiosity, excitement, and anxiousness.

       I have fear because I am the kind of person who likes to know what is going to happen before going into something. I like to be prepared! Unfortunately, in some situations in life, that's not possible. For instance, losing people unexpectantly through tragedy, going off to college, getting a job... all of which I am dealing with currently! I am also afraid of failing in life, not meeting expectations, and ending up not happy. However, I am curious to see what all God has planned! But with that curiosity comes being anxious and many unanswered questions about my life so far such as; why did my biological mom choose drugs over me? Why did my daddy have to die? Why does God allow people to suffer? Will I be healed of my depression before I get to heaven? Will I get to adopt "my boys" from Guatemala? Have I met my future husband? What is my purpose in life? Am I ever going to live up to God's expectations? Just to name a few. 

       I am excited for the many challenges ahead! I am excited for the friendships, I am excited for the adventure, and I am excited to see where God leads me! 

        All the while, while I am struggling to keep moving most days, God's voice is ever present. While I may still not know my calling, God's light is guiding me on. May He guide you on as well!

 "Be still and know that I am God."

-God's Child

Loss

   Loss is one of the most devastating and heart wrenching feelings in the world. If you've ever experienced a loss, you know the emotion that I’m talking about. I, myself, have lost numerous important people in my life; so coping with the harsh reality has become easier in a sense. However, this doesn't mean that I am not affected or feel less emotion when I lose someone.

   I have dealt with many types of loss. Since my first breath, I have dealt with loss. My own biological mother put me up for adoption pretty much the minute she found out that she was pregnant with me. You see, she was a crack-addicted prostitute who didn't know anything but the life of drugs and sex. She knowingly chose drugs over me. I would be lying if I said that this did not highly offend me. You've got to know that it’s bad when your own mother doesn't want you.

   I grew up knowing that I was adopted, but it was years later that I began to understand exactly why and that was heartbreaking at first. When I reflect on her decision to put me up for adoption, the thought itself brings so many raw emotions as well as numerous unanswered questions. However, I am not her only child. In fact, there are at least eight of us. Although I have a huge gap in my heart that can never be filled because of her rejection, I am thankful to know that I’m not alone. Despite not being wanted by her, God blessed me with an incredible family from my third day in life.

   My second loss happened when I was around three or four years of age. This was when my adopted father started having strokes from smoking. One of these strokes left him semi paralyzed as well as semi brain dead. As a four year old seeing your daddy go from picking you up from pre-k in his blue Chevy pick up truck to not being able to stand unsupervised was a totally different world. I didn't understand what was happening. I just knew that my daddy was sick. No only was his health declining, but he and my mom had separated beforehand, so I grew up without a fatherly figure until I was seven.

   I don't remember daddy before he was sick, but I do remember him after the strokes. He was a very scary man. His behavior was very unpredictable and he could go from telling you that he loved you one minute to calling you a worthless piece of junk the next. Since I was so young, I didn't understand the reasoning behind his behavior, so I was obviously terrified of him. I consider this particular time in my life a loss because my dad wasn't around and I didn't want anything to do with him. Even though he wasn't physically "dead", he was very absent in many ways.

   My dad's health continued to decline. As a matter of fact, I unknowingly was watching him die for thirteen years. I spent my teenage years preparing for his death emotionally. I had already lost him, just not physically. One of the ways that I prepared for his death was that I had to accept that he wasn't going to get better. This meant that he wasn't going to be there for my high school graduation, he wasn't going to escort me down the isle on my wedding day, and he wouldn't be there for my first child's birth. I had so much anger, sadness, bitterness, and disgust in my heart for him! Why couldn't he be normal like all of my friend’s dads! Why couldn't he throw a baseball with me, take me out to ice cream, or swing me up in the air like other dads did to their daughters! Instead, my dad was in a wheelchair, had to be constantly supervised, and was just a complete embarrassment. It took me almost two years of preparing to let go of the fact that he wasn't going to get better. That thought in itself was devastating.

    I didn't have a good relationship with my dad until the last year and a half that he was alive. Who would want a relationship with someone who wasn't a big part of your life? My dad did more hurt than good in my life. Some of you may be asking yourself "well what changed to make you want to have a relationship with him?" The only explanation that I have for that question is that God changed my heart in an unexplainable way. I was finally able to let go of the fantasy and dream that he wasn't going to be the perfect dad and I was then able to accept him for who he was. Once I did that, God did amazing things in our relationship. I began having compassion for him instead of anger. We were able to laugh and joke around on the phone. I was finally able to tell him that I loved him and actually feel it! Then I received a phone call that would change everything.

   "Katherine Anne, I'm not going to sugar coat this. It's the beginning of the end." When my sister said those words on the phone, I crumbled. I felt so helpless! My dad was dying. Not only was I across the United States, there was no way for me to come home. I remember falling to my knees in complete and utter despair and begging God not to take him away from me. I had just started having a relationship with him and now God was taking him away?!? I cannot even begin to tell you how angry I was at God! 

   In June of 2006, I was able to come home for good. I spent the last six months of my dad’s life by his bedside reminding him how much I loved him. On November 9, 2006, one my grandfather's passed away due to Alzheimer’s. Four days later, my dad passed away. I had just experienced two huge losses in four days. What was God doing! Was He just trying to make my life a living hell? 

   My depression became almost unbearable. I pretty much disowned God and did not want anything to do with him. Thanksgiving was right around the corner, and in my mind I had nothing to be thankful for. I got through Thanksgiving okay, but to say my heart was bitter would be an understatement. Then, once again, my world fell apart. As if losing two people was not enough, the day after Christmas, I lost my other grandfather. I could not bear it anymore! I had just lost three very important people in a matter of a six-week period. As a fifteen-year-old girl who had just gotten my life back together, I have never felt so unprepared. 

   People would always tell me that my grandfathers and my dad were in a better place and that all I had to do was lean on God and He would help me through. I didn't find that a bit comforting. I wanted them back! The last person I wanted to lean on let alone talk to was God. He had destroyed my family! It was always so hard because people would say that they were there for me, but when I would talk to them they not only didn't know what to say, some of them would avoid me. I hadn't felt so alone before. 

   I don't remember what caused my breaking point, but I eventually admitted that I couldn't continue to deal with the losses alone and turned to God. I was nervous that He wouldn't help me because I had abandoned Him, but He welcomed me back with open arms. Instantly, I felt at peace! I began having dreams of my dad and would wake up knowing that he was watching over me.

   I didn’t experience another significant loss until April of 2010. On April 21,2010, I received a phone call from pretty much my second mom telling me that one of my friends had been killed in a car accident. I was extremely heart broken and very shocked. Even though I didn’t spend a lot of time with Rosa, my friend who was killed, I considered her a very special person in my life. For the longest time, it just didn’t seem real. It was completely out of the blue.Even though Rosa is gone, I still think of her often.

   Even though I’ve had some losses in my short lifetime, I consider each one a blessing. They have made me stronger, wiser, and have taught me to love with out ceasing. I’ve definitely learned that life is precious and to not take things for granted. I pray that whoever is reading this will know how precious you are. God does not make mistakes and even though sometimes it may feel that way, He has a plan. I’m telling you from experiencing both sides. Even though we may not understand why God does the things He does, He really does have an amazing plan.. The hard part is waiting for answers. May God bless you abundantly.

Blessings,

Katherine

A Glimpse of Heaven

Tonight was the fourth night of Lee University’s Convocation services.  I have been in awe of the amazing worship and have definitely felt the Lords presence these past three days especially. As I looked around the Conn Center tonight, it was very obvious that the spirit was near. Hands were raised in absolute surrender and submission; people were weeping and pouring their hearts out to God. “We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb And the word of our testimony, everyone overcome.”These lyrics by the Desperation Band blared through the speakers. As I gazed across the room, up in the balcony I saw a young woman lifting her hands while singing. As I studied her face, I realized that she was a spitting image of someone that I had known. The woman she resembled was a dear friend of mine. However, it could not have been her. Rosa, the friend whom I am speaking of, was tragically killed in a car accident a year and a half ago. This young woman had similar features and worshipped like Rosa did. I could not take my eyes off of her! Rosa loved Jesus. The first time I met Rosa, we were on one of two mission trips to Montego Bay, Jamaica. We instantly were friends; more so like sisters. I could tell her anything! She had the most contagious laugh and a smile that could melt your heart. The best thing we had in common was our love for Jesus! This is something the student body of Lee and I have in common as well. As the praise band continued to play, tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about how beautiful the worship was. More so, I began imagining what worship would be like in heaven when I stand face to face before my King. I began imagining my dad, who is also in heaven, whole and new and singing his heart out in the choir of angels! I wonder what he looks like! Regardless, I can’t wait for him to meet me at the entrance to heaven! I got a glimpse of heaven this past week through our convocation services. It has gotten me so excited for what the future holds! Now, it’s time to take on the world one step at a time.

Flying or Falling?

Way back in September or so, two of my friends and I were talking about skydiving. Skydiving has always been something that i've wanted to do, so I was thrilled when my friends mentioned that they wanted to go. Melissa,one of my friends, found a half off deal to skydive one day and we immediately bought our tickets.Since it was still cold at the time, we planned on going in early spring. When I told my other friends that I was going skydiving, they were very surprised that I would even think about doing such a thing, especially because I couldn't even climb the climbing tower at Camp Ocoee without freaking out, let alone skydive!Actually, I only made it to the top once during the camp season.

As time got closer, my friends decided that they were going to schedule a different date tha I was. I was pretty down about that, but I got over it after a little while. The night before I was going to skydive, I was laying in my bed and started thinking about if I were to die what would heaven be like. I wasn't like panicking, I was at peace. I was actually okay with it (I wasn't planning on anything bad to happen either). I know that this sounds rediculous and some of you will laugh when I say this, but at that moment, I decided to write a "goodbye" letter to my parents. I know, I know,it sounds pathetic, but I was actually facing what might've become a reality. I was at peace writing it. Anyway, I wrote this letter to them:
  4/18/2011
  Dear friends and family,
As you know, I will be skydiving tomorrow. I am at peace about it and don't have any worries. However, if something were to happen to me and I die, I want you to know how much I care about you. If I die (I am not planning to), I know for a fact That I will be in Jesus's arms. Please leave my facebook account (In other words, please don't de activate it). My facebook account log in is___________, and the passwird is_________. Also, please donate my organs and(i'll leave that out. sounds too morbid haha).
Preach- Stan Green
I want rocking music! AND NOT HYMNS! Drums, guitar,base,etc!

My mom and I headed out mid morning towards Atlanta. I can't remember the actual town where it was, but we arrived to a small building. At the top of it, it said 1 800 SKYDIVE. I got out of the car and headed inside to sign the paperwork (more like a small booklet). After that, mom and I headed out to the deck to watch the others jump. Of course, we didn't see them until their parachutes opened, but it was still fun to watch. I was so excited! In a few minutes I was going to be doing that too! Well, it actually ended up being hours later, but I was still excited. Finally, they called my name and I was greeted by my instructor,Kevin, and my videographer,Leslie. She did a pre video of me and just asked me questions and tried to loosen me up a bit. Kevin strapped me and adjusted me into my harness, and then we practiced how we would jump out of the plane.

We soon borded the plane and it shot off into the air. Mind you, this was a TINY plane. Others were in the plane as well, but it wasn't crowded. Anyway, since the plane was so small, and the wind was so strong, the plane bounced and dropped and went back up and so on. The turbulance had taken its toll on me. (I began freaking out inside, not verbally) I don't think I've prayed that hard in years! Did I mention the door was open half way up until five thousand feet?!? I literally thought that I was going to die before jumping out of the plane! I mean, I even had a seat belt on.

My vidographer (she was also my photographer too) interviewed me one last time before I jumped. Then I heard Kevin say,"come sit in my lap." Uh, first of all he was smokin hott, and secondly, that meant I was about to jump. He strapped me onto him and made sure there was no personal space between us (I'd rather be safe then sorry). Then we crounched down and walked to the edge of the door. Within a secound he had turned us around  (so videographer could see my face) and we backflipped out of the plane!

 I have never screamed so loud in my life! My heart probably stopped for a second, but next thing I knew, we flipped forward so that I could face the ground. I fellt him tap me (he was saying you can put your arms out now. Jumping out, I had to cross them and hold onto my shoulder). I looked straight across from me and saw that Leslie was videoing and taking pictures. The crazy side came out and I stuck my tounge out and stuck both thumbs up. I was having such a great time! You would think that the air would be cold when you were flying towards the ground at 120 mph, but its actually quite peaceful. I high fived Leslie and before I knew it, Kevin and I shot straight back up in the air and our parachute opened. I could finally hear him, so we just talked about it the whole way down. He put my hand(s) into the straps and let me steer the parachute. That was cool. However, I was still in shock and was skaking so he helped me and eventually took over. The ground from up high was so beautiful! We had a smooth landing and Leslie came running at me with the camera to see how it was.

 I was SO PROUD of myself! I had accomplished one of my major goals! I was soon in my mothers arms, and we headed back home. I will definitely go back! Here are some pictures that Leslie took. Well first, let me explain how she did what she did. The recorder was locked ontop of her helmet, and the way she took pictures was she had a device in her mouth that she bit onto. It was also in the recorder.


Anyways, here are some pictures!

At about ten thousand feet

Super Nanny!

    Starting in mid march, I accepted a job as a nanny for someone that I knew, so she could return to work after her maternity leave. It has truly been an experience! When I first started, she had a seven week old baby as well as a two year old. Now I have babysat before as I have three nieces and work in the children’s ministry at my church, but I have NEVER kept a newborn by myself.

    I cannot even begin to tell you how nervous I was. However, a few days before my official starting date, Stephannie, the mother of the girls called me to come over so she could show me where everything was and to practice getting comfortable with the girls. She answered my questions and then left the room for me to bond with Charlotte (the baby). Carly Dean, the two year old, seemed to like me and took me into her room to color and read her a book. Then we headed to the table and painted together. I loved them both from the start. I was very glad that I got to come to their house and practice before I actually started! It took a lot of worry away.

    I have been nannying for a little over two months now, and I absolutely LOVE it! Going into the job, I wasn't confident and questioned if I would be able to do it. I took the risk, trusted God, and boy has it paid off! Even though I don't have kids of my own, these precious girls mean a lot to me and I will love them forever! In a few short weeks, Stephannie will be out for the summer. I will no longer be needed for now, and I have accepted a job as a summer camp counselor at Camp Ocoee. Although I am sad, I know Stephannie is thrilled to be home with her girls! Even though I won't be nannying this summer, those girls will always have my heart.