In my Father's Eyes

    November has been one of the roughest months of my life for quite some time. Every year, without fail, the month of November brings out so many emotions in me. In fact, it's like my mind automatically chooses to shut off anything that makes me smile, laugh, or be happy. I always struggle to be thankful for all God has given me during this month. It's like Satan's favorite month to tear me to pieces.
   On November 13, 2006, my dad passed away.I literally felt my life crumble right in front of me. Six months earlier, I had just moved back to Georgia after spending two years at a therapeutic boarding school to get my life back together.I thought I was prepared to re enter the real world. Boy, was I wrong. I have never felt so unprepared for something before. I have have been through a lot in my short life, but there was just no way to prepare for losing my dad. If you've ever read any previous posts that I've written, I didn't have a very strong relationship with my dad until the very end of his life. As a fifteen year old, moving back in with my family after spending two years away from them was pretty hard on its own. Not to mention returning to the same school where I was asked to withdraw years earlier and everyone still remembering me as "that girl." I had a lot on my plate already. Then there was dad. Dad was a stroke victim who was semi paralyzed, had a bunch of brain damage, and had major mood swings.  He could be a very burdensome person to be around. In fact, most of my life, I saw it as a chore to go spend time with him. While at boarding school, however, God did some miraculous things in our relationship, and I began to love him and accept him for who he was. Once I did that and accepted that he wasn't going to live up to my expectations nor be who I wanted him to be, I became very close to him. I don't have many fond memories of my dad, but I do remember spending most of the last six months of his life by his bedside. I would bring my rabbit, Shady, along to keep us both company. He LOVED that rabbit! I remember one day coming into his room crying because of something that happened and him listening to me rant and at the end saying "did you know that I love you?" Gosh, I miss him. I miss everything about him. His contagious laugh, his baby blue eyes, his singing, his kiss, his voice... If I could just have one more day with him. I have such heart ache just writing this. I also realize that my dad wont be and hasn't been here for some very important events in my life. For instance, my wedding day. He won't be here for the birth of my children, when I graduate from college, he wasn't here for my high school gradution.. I could go on, but it is pointless. That's not going to change the fact that he is gone. Still, six years later, I find it hard to cope with his passing. I just pray that I can leave half the legacy like he did. Rest in peace, dad, your daughter misses you more than words could ever say!

In Memory of Ron Blackstock

Miracles? Who believes in miracles?

The past two weeks, if anything, the Lord has taught me His power. I have witnessed many things in my lifetime but none like this. I am going to be telling you a story that I have been witnessing for the last two weeks. So here it goes.

   On September 11, 2012, I was hanging out with some buddies after rugby practice when one of my really good friends (who will remain anonymous) got a devastating phone call from her family. This phone call would change her life forever. I remember sitting in the back of my buddy’s car and feeling the most helpless I’ve ever felt before. This young college student’s mom uttered silently into the phone, "He's gone." She had just lost her little brother due to suicide. In fact, she had left to come back to school after he had promised to call her in the morning. That phone call wouldn't be happening the way she had thought. I felt her world crumble right before her eyes. My friend parked her car and came to sit in the back of the car with us as the sister wailed and broke into pieces. "I literally felt my heart break in two", she said recalling the event. "I don't know how long we sat there in all reality, but it felt so good to be in the company of friends while I was hurting," she replied. I, personally, haven't cried that hard since my dad passed away six years ago. I was so heartbroken over the situation, as were my friends. She spent most of the night with us and also spent a lot of time talking on the phone with her best friend. Like I said earlier, I have never felt so helpless and unprepared. My friends walked her back to her dorm very late that night and she went to sleep. The next morning, she woke up to three missed phone calls and two text messages saying that after he had been pronounced dead, thirty minutes later his heart started to beat again. No one knew how to explain how that was possible, but we were floored! He had been put on life support since his heart started beating. Two days went by before she received a phone call. This call wasn't from her family, but was from the doctors stating that her brother had been declared brain dead and her parent's had left the hospital. They asked her what they should do with him since there was zero brain activity (as in pull the plug or not) because she was the next contact person. She was very distraught over the situation and told the doctors she would need some time to think about her decision. She crumbled as soon as she hung up. We all agreed that she shouldn't have to make a huge choice like this and asked if she wanted us to pray for an answer. A few minutes later, the doctor called back, and my friend went out into the hallway. My other friend, Ashley followed her and listened as she basically told the doctors that they were not to flip the switch because she was confident that God was going to do a miracle. The doctors seemed to be very puzzled over her choice and tried to reason with her. During this phone conversation, our friend Ashley was present and the sister turned to her and said "God just told me that my brother is going to wake up in five minutes." She returned back to her phone conversation and asked if the doctor would hold the phone to her brother’s ear. She repeated to him that he was to wake up in five minutes and that she expected a phone call from him. "I remember just feeling so at peace and that I couldn't stop smiling," she said. Within five minutes, she was pacing the stairway. Then the phone rang. Instantly, she was speaking to her brother and began to collapse. Our friend, Tina, caught her. "He was alive and asking about how I was doing and acting like nothing had ever happened!" "All I could do is laugh as everyone else's jaw was dropped," she said. We immediately gathered in our friend’s dorm room and began to pray. The Spirit was definitely present. I have never seen someone so happy and heard someone laugh so much in my entire life. This girl was so filled with the Holy Spirit! 

All this to say, I know there is a God because I have witnessed Him first hand. I hope this gives someone hope because I know that it did for me. If you haven't experienced God first hand, I hope someday that you will be able to. 

May God bless you abundantly,

Godschild

Pondering

           For the last two years or so, I have really been struggling in identifying what my major should be in college. In the past four years, I have gone from studying Surgical Technology, to Centrile sterile Technology, to Intercultural Studies, and to now Psychology with a minor in Counseling. I do not think that I have been this confused in a really long time! However, through all of these major changes, I have learned two things in particular... patience and how to keep an open mind. I am the kind of person who wants to do many things. I never knew that I could make so many changes in such a short period of time, but God knew and had already planned it that way before I even entered this world. When I think about how God has already planned my entire life out, many emotions come to mind such as; fear, curiosity, excitement, and anxiousness.

       I have fear because I am the kind of person who likes to know what is going to happen before going into something. I like to be prepared! Unfortunately, in some situations in life, that's not possible. For instance, losing people unexpectantly through tragedy, going off to college, getting a job... all of which I am dealing with currently! I am also afraid of failing in life, not meeting expectations, and ending up not happy. However, I am curious to see what all God has planned! But with that curiosity comes being anxious and many unanswered questions about my life so far such as; why did my biological mom choose drugs over me? Why did my daddy have to die? Why does God allow people to suffer? Will I be healed of my depression before I get to heaven? Will I get to adopt "my boys" from Guatemala? Have I met my future husband? What is my purpose in life? Am I ever going to live up to God's expectations? Just to name a few. 

       I am excited for the many challenges ahead! I am excited for the friendships, I am excited for the adventure, and I am excited to see where God leads me! 

        All the while, while I am struggling to keep moving most days, God's voice is ever present. While I may still not know my calling, God's light is guiding me on. May He guide you on as well!

 "Be still and know that I am God."

-God's Child