November has been one of the roughest months of my life for quite some time. Every year, without fail, the month of November brings out so many emotions in me. In fact, it's like my mind automatically chooses to shut off anything that makes me smile, laugh, or be happy. I always struggle to be thankful for all God has given me during this month. It's like Satan's favorite month to tear me to pieces.
On November 13, 2006, my dad passed away.I literally felt my life crumble right in front of me. Six months earlier, I had just moved back to Georgia after spending two years at a therapeutic boarding school to get my life back together.I thought I was prepared to re enter the real world. Boy, was I wrong. I have never felt so unprepared for something before. I have have been through a lot in my short life, but there was just no way to prepare for losing my dad. If you've ever read any previous posts that I've written, I didn't have a very strong relationship with my dad until the very end of his life. As a fifteen year old, moving back in with my family after spending two years away from them was pretty hard on its own. Not to mention returning to the same school where I was asked to withdraw years earlier and everyone still remembering me as "that girl." I had a lot on my plate already. Then there was dad. Dad was a stroke victim who was semi paralyzed, had a bunch of brain damage, and had major mood swings. He could be a very burdensome person to be around. In fact, most of my life, I saw it as a chore to go spend time with him. While at boarding school, however, God did some miraculous things in our relationship, and I began to love him and accept him for who he was. Once I did that and accepted that he wasn't going to live up to my expectations nor be who I wanted him to be, I became very close to him. I don't have many fond memories of my dad, but I do remember spending most of the last six months of his life by his bedside. I would bring my rabbit, Shady, along to keep us both company. He LOVED that rabbit! I remember one day coming into his room crying because of something that happened and him listening to me rant and at the end saying "did you know that I love you?" Gosh, I miss him. I miss everything about him. His contagious laugh, his baby blue eyes, his singing, his kiss, his voice... If I could just have one more day with him. I have such heart ache just writing this. I also realize that my dad wont be and hasn't been here for some very important events in my life. For instance, my wedding day. He won't be here for the birth of my children, when I graduate from college, he wasn't here for my high school gradution.. I could go on, but it is pointless. That's not going to change the fact that he is gone. Still, six years later, I find it hard to cope with his passing. I just pray that I can leave half the legacy like he did. Rest in peace, dad, your daughter misses you more than words could ever say!
In Memory of Ron Blackstock
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